Donald Trump, the president of The United States of America, has recently made some alarming remarks.
While this may not be news, the fact that it could drastically change video-games is a biggie.
In his latest bout of scapegoatism he has blamed video-game violence for many American problems. While this is probably some pointless exercise of mastication, I am on hand to advise him on the changes he does need to make to violent video-games. He has certainly listened to some bigger idiots than me.
1. Nerf Knives
Video-game violence usually gets it in the neck for desensitivitising us from the real nature of warfare by downplaying its true nature. You know, like how television, films and books have been for hundreds of years. But there is a point to this, often video-games are wildly inaccurate.
Point in case, knives. Since Call of Duty: Modern Warfare was released donkey’s years ago, knives have become some sort of super-human killing machine. The fact that a whole clip o bullets can be shook off, while a stab to the lower calf is fatal is ridiculous. Trump if you are reading, if indeed you can, then please nerf knives.
2. Stop Screen-Sniping
Let’s be honest gamers, games are teaching us some bad habits. Some are indeed forcing us to cheat. If you have played split-screen on a competitive FPS then you have screen-watched. You are a cheater and you have let your country down. I remember doing this on Medal of Honour: European Assault, against my dad no less. Luckily I’m English so Trump couldn’t give a monkeys.
This is less common nowadays and less people play games while all in the same room, but we still have found a way to cheat. Streamers on twitch have had their games ruined by those who watch their streams just to get a peak of the enemies position. What’s worse is that the streamer can’t cheat back. Donald, my boy, you need to come down hard on this, as hard as you did on that pornstar you allegedly had an affair with.
3. No Noob-tubing
If Donald Trump has taught us anything it is: don’t pick on easy targets. Take the high road and let others take the path of least resistance. This is all well and dandy if you are somehow elected president of the United States despite only receiving the minority of the popular vote, but for us mere mortals it is hard to deal with those who take the easy option.
Like those who picked noobtubes on Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. What absolute cretins. They knew what they were doing and they knew it was wrong but they took the easy road. And with Modern Warfare 2 rumoured to be remastered we are going to cultivate another generation of knobheads. Unless Trump bans the noobtube.
4. More Secrets
It isn’t all about banning things with our man Donald. He is all about making sure that he gets the most of your money, like when he cleverly spent millions of the taxpayers money on playing golf. And to do that he needs to stop the stripping down of content in modern video-games.
Back in the day, when America was great and so were video-games, you used to get all sorts of secrets in your FPS and brutal beat-em ups. Secret characters, secret location and secret weapons. You would spend hours trying to work out if that one rumour about unlocking Devil-Jin in Tekken 3 was true, and that was fun even if it was false. Now you get exactly what it says on the tin. We demand more secrets, Trump obviously loves them.
5. Engaging Single-player modes
All I’m saying is make single-player first-person-shooters great again.